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Ebbingford
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Location: England

A message from the Queen

Sun Mar 27, 2016 7:18 pm

From an email doing the rounds....... :cool:

> > A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
> >
> >
> > To the citizens of the United
> > States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
> > Queen Elizabeth II
> >
> > In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
> >
> > Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
> >
> > Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
> >
> > Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
> >
> > To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
> >
> > -----------------------
> >
> > 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'
> > 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
> > without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by
> > the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
> > to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
> >
> > ------------------------
> >
> > 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
> > ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
> > communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
> > Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
> > to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of
> > '-ize.'
> >
> > -------------------
> >
> > 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
> >
> > -----------------
> >
> > 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
> > therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
> > you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
> > shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
> > speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
> >
> > ----------------------
> >
> > 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
> > dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you
> > wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
> >
> > ----------------------
> >
> > 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
> > driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
> > metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
> > Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
> > of humour.
> >
> > --------------------
> >
> > 7. The former USA will
> > adopt UK
> > prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US
> > gallon. Get used to it.
> >
> > -------------------
> >
> > 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
> > not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
> > properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
> > dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
> >
> > -------------------
> >
> > 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
> > at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
> > and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
> > Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the
> > greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They
> > are also part of the British Commonwealth -
> > see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
> > Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
> >
> > ---------------------
> >
> > 10. Hollywood
> > will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be
> > required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie
> > Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an
> > experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
> >
> > ---------------------
> >
> > 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
> > proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
> > be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football,
> > but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
> > kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
> >
> > ---------------------
> >
> > 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
> > event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
> > America.
> > Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your
> > error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the
> > South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
> >
> > --------------------
> >
> > 13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
> >
> > -----------------
> >
> > 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> > Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
> > due (backdated to 1776).
> >
> > ---------------
> >
> > 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers,
> > and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
> > strawberries (with cream) when in season.
> >
> > God Save the Queen!
> >
"Umbrellas will not be opened in the presence of the enemy." Duke of Wellington before the Battle of Waterloo, 1815.

"Top hats will not be worn in the Eighth Army" Field-Marshal Viscount Montgomery of Alamein K.G.


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Shri
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Tue Mar 29, 2016 7:19 am

Hilarious one!.
BTW- no rules on the accents? and none to change the Texan drawl to proper Received Pronunciation??
Rascals, would you live forever? - Frederick the Great.

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lodilefty
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Tue Mar 29, 2016 1:02 pm

:mdr: :mdr: :mdr: :mdr: :coeurs:
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PhilThib
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Tue Mar 29, 2016 1:21 pm

As former Rugby player, I particularly love the "nancies" one :mdr:
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Cardinal Ape
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I'm Joking

Tue Mar 29, 2016 10:35 pm

Is this the pretense for Birth of America 3? I'm in. I'll stay up all night and do beta testing inside a 24 hour Dunkin' Donuts coffee house while my girlfriend 'googles' England to inform me that is in fact an actual country, not just a fictitious setting for the T.V. show Downton Abbey... I really didn't know there was another country on that set of islands, I knew it was famous for Ireland, Scotland, and golf. But England, who knew?

Have you ever heard that joke about how Obama's plan to destroy America is to give to the British? Because no one can lose a global empire quicker than them....

Look, I know that England is having some problems getting along with the rest of the EU. It is common during these periods of loneliness to reach out into the past and attempt to rekindle an old flame, but I'm sorry, we have moved on. Its not going to happen. I hear Cuba is now single, perhaps try them? At least they are in your league.

vaalen
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Thu Mar 31, 2016 2:01 am

"Chips?"
No way. French Fries is the name we Americans prefer. Who in the world, besides the English, would not greatly prefer French food to what the English eat? If you try to force us to eat English "food', there will be another revolution, and we will win all over again,

And do not even think of depriving us from our own invention, traditional American Barbeque. Best meat in the world, bar none.

A a former American Football player, I can tell you that our football has two elements that Soccer and Rugby barely have, strategy and tactics. We need the break to be able to call signals, read the offense, read the defense, adjust the formations, think quickly in a very short period of time. As for the comment about armor, we are so big and move so fast and hit so hard that we need the armor, or most of our players would be carried off the field in body bags. As it is, far too many get crippled, even with the armor.

That said, I cannot defend our beer/ I prefer Guinness Extra Stout and Chimay myself.

And I cannot defend our politicians.Nobody can.

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Cardinal Ape
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Thu Mar 31, 2016 4:34 am

If there is anything in your post that will rile up the folks across the Ocean it would be your use of the most profane word known to them, 'Soccer.' I said some bad stuff too, but man, you crossed into dangerous territory there my friend. Sleep with your eyes open tonight.

vaalen
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Thu Mar 31, 2016 6:27 am

Cardinal Ape wrote:If there is anything in your post that will rile up the folks across the Ocean it would be your use of the most profane word known to them, 'Soccer.' I said some bad stuff too, but man, you crossed into dangerous territory there my friend. Sleep with your eyes open tonight.


Cardinal Ape, I appreciate the heads up.And I thought I was being so considerate by using the term "American Football", instead of just using the word "Football".

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ERISS
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Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:45 am

"In God We Trust"
USA is already a federal theocracy
vaalen wrote:And I cannot defend our politicians. Nobody can.

and the Queen has all her chances to become elected instead. :)
England is already unofficially the last state of America (and the first from the start).

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Pocus
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Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:52 am

Very good :)
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Hofstadter's Law: "It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's law."

vaalen
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Thu Mar 31, 2016 3:37 pm

ERISS wrote:"In God We Trust"
USA is already a federal theocracy

and the Queen has all her chances to become elected instead. :)
England is already unofficially the last state of America (and the first from the start).


Eriss, you have a point about the Federal Theocracy. But I am not sure that you know the current Pantheon of that Theocracy.
It includes Goldman Sachs, Monsanto, DuPont, Microsoft, Apple, Halliburton, and hundreds of other large corporations.

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ERISS
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Location: France

Thu Mar 31, 2016 5:28 pm

Holy image is the Dollar bill.

The name of this theocracy is the same of the french, based on the same true religion:
name is Democracy, a religion: everyone believe in it, nobody has seen it, every four years people go in pilgrimage, the temple is named Republic, it's priests are the merchants.

Baris
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Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:51 pm

I don't think some invention independent from old world including how to cook meat. And how is it better, cook easier and taste better? :)

vaalen
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Thu Mar 31, 2016 11:27 pm

Baris wrote:I don't think some invention independent from old world including how to cook meat. And how is it better, cook easier and taste better? :)


Hi Baris.
This method was developed in America, by adapting methods used by the Native Americans. Meat and wood were very cheap and available, while most people in Europe had trouble getting enough meat, and wood was too expensive to use for fuel in some European areas, especially in the quantities required for barbeque.

I have barbequed many different cuts of beef, pork, lamb, turkey, and, best of all, bison.

Essentially,Hardwood logs are burned down into coals, and large pieces of meat of meat, sometimes whole animals,are slowly cooked in front of them, usually in an enclosed space to trap the heat and smoke, and make it easier to control the temperature by adjusting the air supply to the fire.

The type of wood used is very important, as the meat will cook for several hours, or many horns at a fairly low temperature, while being flavored by the smoke. Meat that has been properly cooked this way is very tender, juicy, has a wonderful smoky flavor, and is very tasty. In my opinion, there is nothing else like it. My favorite woods are Hickory and Oak, though I have also enjoyed Cherry, Apple, Maple, and Pecan woods. The flavor imparted by the smoldering coals is what gives the meat its unique flavor.

Most people who do it at home do it on a smaller scale, using wood chunks and wood charcoal rather than logs, and relatively small pits made of metal, with vents that can be adjusted to control the heat of the fire. The meat will be ruined if the fire is too hot, and will not cook properly if the fire is too low. Keeping the fire at the right heat level can be quite a challenge, and requires experience.

Controlling the heat of the fire is an art, not a science, as it is affected by the outdoor temperature, the sun, the wind, the type of pit, and other variables.

Spice rubs and bastes are often used, and some of them are family secrets that are never shared outside the family.

Sorry for the long answer, but I have a passion for this kind of cooking.

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Cardinal Ape
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Sat Jun 25, 2016 4:51 am

> > A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
> >
> >
> > To the citizens of the United
> > States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
> > Queen Elizabeth II
> >
> > In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
> >


You know what they say? "If you can't beat 'em, then join 'em."

Welcome aboard the crazy-train my British friends, we saved a seat just for you. Be sure to buckle-up; its going to be a wild ride. :p arty:

Hollywood already has a 'documentary' film about our recent political adventures in the works. Its called, 'Dumb & Dumber Three: The Special Relationship'

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